Men who watch pornography do not respect women. Least of all; the real-life woman they are in a relationship with. And she cannot respect him. I personally would rather be alone than be with a porn watcher.
The multi-billion per year pornography industry's speciality is the demeaning dehumanising, degradation and abuse of human beings. It is not only that porn represents violence towards women, but its very existence is violence towards women. This capitalist systematic oppression of women and girls, was created in our patriarchal society for men, by men. It is akin to wars. Wars are created for profit through abuse and death. The majority of 'users' of porn are still by far, men. Porn watching affects how boys and men view women and affects expectations of sexual contact.
Porn is not a realistic depiction of sex, yet many boys and men believe it is. This creates issues when it comes to being in a relationship. Generally, men who watch porn are sexually selfish. They favour replicating the male pleasure portrayed in porn videos that is derived from the violent, repetitive subjugation of women. Pleasure at a women's pain. When women reach the peak of arousal, close to orgasm, they tend to go quiet. Women in porn videos are moaning and groaning, acting aroused and men expect their real-life partners to do the same. The reality is that women and girls in porn are experiencing pain and are working hard at hiding it. Myth: women who do porn love sex. This is PR (propaganda) lies. Women are ACTING. None of it is real. The sex itself is painful and they are exposed to all kinds of abuses, by the pornographers and people on set. The women get through it by numbing themselves with drugs and/or alcohol, disconnecting themselves as much as possible from the whole ordeal. Most women in porn just do one or two videos and get out. There is a high turn-over rate. The experices is so painful, horrifying and humiliating, they never want to do it again.
Men who watch porn favour sex without intimacy, without love - wanting their partners to behave like the women in porn videos. Being used. Porn is not a true representation of sex. It is violence against women, using women's bodies for male pleasure. It is degrading and cruel. Pornography lies; it tells men that women are tools to be used, and men are inevitable predators. Middle-age men are mentally penetrating women who are young enough to be their grand-daughters.
If boys believe that online pornography provides a realistic view of sexual relationships, then this may lead to inappropriate expectations of girls and women. Girls too may feel pressured to live up to these unrealistic, and perhaps non-consensual, interpretations of sex. This is clearly not positive for developing future healthy relationships. Porn portrays the conquering and using of female bodies as the ideal display of masculinity.
If your boyfriend or husband is looking at porn, he is looking at a vast number of naked women for his own sexual pleasure. How is that not cheating? Instead of lusting after you, he's in the bathroom with his computer. If he is watching porn, it isn't fantasising, but rather the images have colonised his brain. This becomes addictive. Media affects behaviour and desires. And he would rather be with these other women whilst masturbating instead of being with you. Or he is watching these women in order to get aroused so he has an erection so he can have sex with you. This creates distance between two people who ideally would be aroused by their love and liking for one another and the desire to celebrate the relationship in a physically intimate way.
The depiction of sex in porn videos does not exactly encourage men to be sexually creative and giving with their partner. Men who watch a lot of porn, tend to be more sexually selfish. They just want to replicate what they've been watching. If your male partner is on the computer while you are lying in bed alone, and he then comes into the bedroom in an advanced state of arousal, you pretty much know what he's been doing. He then gets into bed wanting sex. But it is not slow, long-lasting foreplay. His touch is hurried and brief. At the first hint of wetness, he penetrates you, while thinking about what he's just been watching. Or he wants you to give him a BJ, while he thinks about the women he was just watching and what was done to them. Jacqueline Gwynne's experience is that of most women who have been intimate with men who 'use' pornography:
"Women don't need to watch porn to masturbate. Why do men? Most men lack spontaneity and creativity in bed because of porn. It is completely unnecessary. I would have to say that pretty much all the men I have had sexual relationships are boring and useless in bed because of porn. They have no sense of fun or playfulness. They are obsessed with their own orgasm and are mechanical. God I wish I was a lesbian. No porn is good. If you respect women, don't watch porn."
Some of the best sex of my life has been with men who do not watch porn. They are giving, creative, loving, and aroused by arousing me. A woman finds herself being extra giving to these men too: the most salient reason for this being that a woman is more open to, and enthusiastic about, someone she respects. These men really love 'foreplay' and want it to last for as long as possible. For them, sex is not all about servicing the penis - it's about playful, relaxed and extended play and connecting. These men ask how they can give pleasure. What makes them great lovers is not just their technique; creative and adventurous love-making skills. It is their ability to be emotionally present, intimate, loving and intensely passionate. There is a lot of direct eye contact - you know it is you they are making love to. One of these men told me he doesn't look at 'men's magazines' because they are "disrespectful of women". Another one said he had used porn in the past, and it interfered with intimacy with his then partner. Emily Weir comments;
"Took me a while to find him, but there are some great men out there. Part of me wishes I hadn't wasted so much time on the porn-using ones, if I could tell my younger self anything it'd be that. My history's been a mix of both and there's a big difference in how they act. Even just making eye contact, talking and asking what you like instead of just reciting porno lines as he does his thing."
Some men who watch a lot of porn end up having erectile dysfunction. They are accostomed to the immediate gratification that porn provides, so when it comes to the real thing, they can't get aroused. They are addicted to watching a variety of women and girls serve the penis in various ways - most of them demeaning and violent - and then have expectations of their partner to behave the same way. And because the reality of this one real-life woman who wants reciprocal sex, the man can't get aroused. It's a vicious circle if he thinks that watching porn will be a way to get an erection so he can make love to his partner.
"Heterosexual Internet pornography has dramatically altered images of sexuality. Heterosexual US men are experiencing increasing difficulty performing sexually, from maintaining erections, to focusing on partners during sex, to having orgasms at all. Many men have grown so accustomed to the breakneck pace with which pornography offers hundreds of images that they can no longer maintain arousal or concentration during the comparatively slow interactive process of actual sex. Additionally, many viewers have unconsciously associated anonymity with arousal, resulting in a failure to either engage in or appreciate the intimacy that often accompanies real sex. Men in record numbers report being unable to complete sexual acts that involve another live person. A recent University of Kansas study found that 25 percent of college-age men said they'd faked orgasms with women because they could not have orgasms without pornography. " *
I wish men didn't justify their 'use' of porn by saying ignorant things like, "it's harmless - just people doing what they enjoy". Or, "it's fine because they get paid for it." So money makes it magically okay for these individual women to reduce their identities to the sexual uses and abuses of their bodies? Women choose to do porn for the money, because they are in a desperate situation and feel they have no other choice. But they end up spending most of what they earn on cosmetics, keeping themselves looking good, and on the drugs and alcohol required to get through a shoot. Many girls and women are coerced and threatened into it. Many porn videos are actually filmed rapes and it's not possible for a man watching, to know this.
How is money fair compensation? How is that empowering? So-called 'liberal' feminists say it is. They say that women who do porn enjoy it. This is a fallacy: porn propaganda. The tiny percentage of prostituted women ( I hate the term 'porn stars' , as it's an attempt to glamorise ) who say they enjoy 'acting' in porn have self esteem issues, usually due to having a history of being sexually abused. Most of these women are damaged people who have problematical backgrounds. There is nothing empowering about prostituting yourself. That is akin to chickens getting to choose what size cage they will be confined to. 'Radical' feminists want to dismantle, not only the chicken shed, but the whole capitalist organisation that exists to profit from the slavery of chickens.
The men who manufacture such justifications, are thinking with the wrong head. Watch it without the hard-on, without masturbating - just SEE it. See the violence, the dehumanising, the commodification of women's bodies. Acts like 'face fucking', 'double-anal' are more now the norm. Think about the people who endure such degradation, pain and physical suffering, so you can have an orgasm. Most women in porn only last a couple of years. They suffer from vaginal and anal prolapsing and have to undergo surgeries. If these women continue in porn, they take pain killers. What is it like to be aroused by such abuse? Male supremacist sexuality decreeing women's bodies be used as commodities to be brutalised for male pleasure.
Porn is destructive, violent and exploitative. It is hurtful to those women who are affected by a partner's use of it. Women feel cheated on. The flow that exists between two people is damaged. As Ed Drain says;
"You know how when you work really well with certain people, you can get this kind of team-flow going on? Well I think couples are like that. When someone cheats with porn they are stealing that good flow from their own couple. Part of what makes it worse is that it is soooo pathetic! It's like they are shouting to the world that they are such losers they could not even work it out with someone who probably wants to work it out, and they are so gutless they cant have an honest conversation with their partner."
Women are loving and wanting to connect physically with their partner. Adventurous, sexy and open, desiring him to desire her. Yet he would rather watch two dimensional images of other women, than have fun and intimacy with the person who loves him.
Women feel cheated on, whether her man is getting aroused by the exploitation of women in videos, or has an addiction to regularly looking at soft-porn, e.g. 'eye candy' on the internet or in 'men's magazines'. Images of naked or semi-naked women in sexual positions are designed to evoke a masturbatory response They are not innocuous. Women in postures of sexual enticement and readiness reinforce the notion that women can be purchased. They have been reduced to two dimensional consumables that can be bought, used then disposed of. Men argue that it isn't cheating because the women they are masturbating to are two dimensional. As Daisy Reeves writes: "They [men] need to create arbitrary distinctions to rationalise what they're doing. I asked my dude if he thought hiring a prostitute for the purpose of voyeuristic exploits would be cheating, he said he did. The arbitrary distinction is the venue, apparently."
Sophia comments; "I felt hurt, betrayed, disrespected. I was shocked that my husband at the time had such little understanding of the sexual exploitation that he was viewing, I was shocked that he thought this was ok, that he valued women so little.
I caught him many times. He didn't understand the harm he was doing, not just to me, not just to our relationship, but to women in general.
He still doesn't get it and he still doesn't know why he is divorced, as "he did so much for me and the marriage"....I am cast as the crazy ex.
And as to men claiming it makes them better lovers...ummm no, it doesn't."
Porn is the opposite of making love. It is hatred. It is exploitation of impoverished, vulnerable women and girls. By watching porn you are fuelling sex trafficking and sexual exploitation.
I caught him many times. He didn't understand the harm he was doing, not just to me, not just to our relationship, but to women in general.
He still doesn't get it and he still doesn't know why he is divorced, as "he did so much for me and the marriage"....I am cast as the crazy ex.
And as to men claiming it makes them better lovers...ummm no, it doesn't."
Porn is the opposite of making love. It is hatred. It is exploitation of impoverished, vulnerable women and girls. By watching porn you are fuelling sex trafficking and sexual exploitation.
Men who look at such images/videos and masturbate to them, do not respect women and women - myself included - cannot possibly respect them. Many women choose to forgo relationship with a man whom they know or suspect to be porn users. So men, is it worth losing the woman who loves you? I'll end with the words of a fellow critic of pornography, James Hunt, replying to a young man who was justifying his 'use' of porn:
"It is not just a crusade of anti-porn, it's an inherent belief that women are not men's playthings to be used and discarded, as porn teaches young men like yourself. That porn is the absolute opposite of healthy sexuality, connection.
Some day you will find that woman whom you will fall in love with, and this porn that you say should just be ignored by her, will alter/destroy what sexual connection you as a man and that woman will desperately yearn for.
Read more, educate yourself on what porn does to women, to you, to relationships, to the world."
***
-Mountain Daughter
Most of the quotes in article, used with permission, from comments on posts in the Refuse to Date Men Who Watch Porn Facebook group.
*(Capitalism and Loneliness: Why Pornography Is a Multibillion-Dollar Industry. by Tess Fraad Wolff and Haarriet Fraad, Truthout / Op-Ed. 2011 http://www.truth-out.org/opinion/item/5791:capitalism-and-loneliness-why-pornography-is-a-multibilliondollar-industry )
Useful Links:
Fight the New Drug: Is Watching Porn the Same As Cheating On Your Significant Other?
http://fightthenewdrug.org/is-watching-porn-cheating-on-your-partner/
http://mattfradd.com/5-myths-about-porn/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRJ_QfP2mhU
http://www.truthdig.com/report/item/pornography_is_what_the_end_of_the_world_looks_like_20150215
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/stephen-arterburn/sexually-incompetent-men-_b_4086075.html?
http://www.feministcurrent.com/2016/07/26/the-triumph-of-the-pornographers/
https://medium.com/@emmalindsay/porn-makes-men-terrible-in-bed-6e4df5f73200#.c4ip35qfl
http://www.feministcurrent.com/2014/04/04/feminism-is-the-new-misogyny-on-belle-knox-feminism-and-the-new-backlash/
http://www.wsj.com/articles/take-the-pledge-no-more-indulging-porn-1472684658
http://www.feministcurrent.com/2015/12/14/shit-liberal-feminists-say-choice/
http://yourbrainonporn.com
http://fightthenewdrug.org/the-porn-industrys-dark-secrets/
https://www.lifesitenews.com/blogs/former-porn-star-porn-was-the-worst-darkest-thing-ive-ever-been-involved-in
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